P.O.D.I.

For the third consecutive year, PODI has been awarded the prestigious "Most Creative Liability Waiver" award by the International Association of Questionable Business Practices (IAQBP).

The winning waiver, which Kyle wrote on a bar napkin in 2022, includes clauses such as:

• "The signee agrees that diving is, by nature, wet, and that PODI cannot be held responsible for wetness."
• "Any marine life encountered during PODI dives is considered a co-signer to this agreement."
• "In the event of injury, the signee agrees to rate their pain on a scale of 1-10 using only emojis."
• "PODI reserves the right to deny any claim of injury on the grounds that 'it builds character.'"

"We're very proud of this achievement," said Kyle, accepting the award via a Zoom call from his car. "Most agencies focus on safety. We focus on paperwork. It's a different kind of excellence."

The IAQBP has announced that PODI will be disqualified from next year's awards to "give other businesses a chance." PODI has filed an appeal that is "definitely being processed."

In a story that's becoming increasingly common, local man Dave Thompson completed his PODI Open Water certification last week and reportedly "immediately regretted every decision that led to this moment."

Thompson, 34, signed up for the course after seeing a targeted ad on social media that promised "certification in under 4 hours." What followed was a three-day ordeal involving a leaky rental BCD, an instructor who "kept taking selfies," and a confined water session in a pool that had a "No Diving" sign.

"I showed up thinking I'd get a certification card and maybe learn something," Thompson told reporters. "I got the card. I did not get the learning."

Thompson's certification card, which lists his qualification as "Open Water Diver (Very Open, Like My Mouth When I Panicked)," arrived in the mail six weeks later with a coffee stain on it.

When reached for comment, Kyle McSplash said, "Another satisfied customer. We'll use his testimonial on the website."

PODI is proud to announce the promotion of Bubbles McFloat from Divemaster to Senior Divemaster, making Bubbles the highest-ranking mannequin in the diving industry.

Bubbles, who joined PODI in 2023 after completing the Divemaster course as a prank that somehow became official policy, has since assisted on over 200 courses without a single student complaint. This is a better track record than any of PODI's human instructors.

"Bubbles doesn't argue with standards, doesn't take selfies during drills, and has never once said 'hold my beer and watch this' before a skill demonstration," said Kyle. "Frankly, Bubbles is outpacing the rest of the team."

The promotion comes with a commemorative name tag and a raise of $0.00 per year. Bubbles has not commented, likely due to being a plastic mannequin.

When asked if Bubbles might be up for Instructor next, Kyle responded: "Bubbles has better buoyancy than half our teaching staff. We'll see what the future holds."

In a controversial opinion piece, PODI's Deep Air Specialist Chad Thunderson has warned the diving community about the "over-reliance on safety equipment" that he says is "ruining the sport."

"Dive computers, redundant air systems, surface marker buoys — it's all just crutches," Chad wrote in a blog post that has since been removed from every diving forum it was posted to. "In my day, we used a stopwatch and vibes. And we were fine. Mostly."

Chad's suggested alternatives to standard safety equipment include:

• Instead of a dive computer: "Look at your watch. If it's been 20 minutes, go up. You're probably fine."
• Instead of a surface marker buoy: "Wave your arms. Someone will see you. Eventually."
• Instead of redundant air: "Hold your breath. It's called emergency ascent training."

PODI has officially distanced itself from Chad's opinions, though they have not removed him from the website. "Chad's views are his own," said a spokesperson. "Also he's the only one who knows how to drive the boat."

PODI is excited to announce a new strategic partnership with "a guy who knows a guy" who may or may not be able to get us discounted air fills. The partnership, which exists entirely on a handshake that Kyle initiated but the other party did not reciprocate, is expected to "revolutionize" the PODI diving experience.

"I ran into this guy at the gas station," Kyle explained. "He said he knew someone who worked at a dive shop. I said 'hey, that's a partnership.' He said 'okay, sure.' We shook hands. I consider that a binding agreement."

The unnamed partner could not be reached for comment, as Kyle refuses to share his phone number. "I don't want to bother him. He seemed busy. He was buying lotto tickets."

This is the seventh "strategic partnership" PODI has announced in the past year. Previous partners include a defunct snorkel rental stand, a food truck that only sells hot dogs, and a pet store that once sold a goldfish that Kyle says "counts as a marine life consultant."